My girlfriend figured out who you are.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
