I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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