the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
