I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
