I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
