I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Randomize
