fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
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