The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
