God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
