i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
The ass gains better be worth it
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