My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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