Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
