You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
