while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
