The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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