Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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