seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
