I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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