Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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