fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Only a mothe r could love this liver
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
