She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
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