If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
