exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
