Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
