Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
