I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Can you bring me the toilet please
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
