i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
