So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
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