my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize