I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
