And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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