Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
My liver just had a heart attack.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
