and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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