and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
