i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
