whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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