Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
We had to coat check the pizza.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
