I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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