my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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