Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
