so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
