Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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