My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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