Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
