I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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