I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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