Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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