so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
