i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
