Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
