I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
We had sex on a dog bed..
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
