I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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