When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
