Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
