I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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