I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
