I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize