Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
