Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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