Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
