dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
