Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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